Life Lessons with Monica: Subjected to Objectivity
Objectivity in the world seems to be a foreign concept, and most of the time we find ourselves in the realm of subjective objectivity. We are subjected to the truths that people state. Facts have become permeable, truths are told solely through the teller’s subjective view, and everything thereby gets lost. So how are we to deal with this?
Since childhood we are taught facts, truths, laws, and if you are raised in a religious household, you are also taught beliefs. So when you hit the “real world” you are equipped with a compendium of things that are solidified for you, and that is your truth, however that truth is actually completely and utterly subjective. People tend to run scared from a concept like widespread subjectivity because that means there is no solid grounding upon which they can form a basis of opinion, truth, and Self. I see it differently. I abhor the sense that there is only objectivity, that there are bounds and limits and limitations on life. When did the world shift from teaching children to believe that anything is possible, from magic, to mystical, to achieving their dreams, to following their hearts?
The loss of the inner child in the adults that I have seen have created a hindrance to possibility. Driven by a need to succeed, a need for monetary or financial gain, for social status, or for getting what they perceive to be their dues has so overshadowed the development of the greatness and beauty in the world for children, and for our inner child, and our Self. I recently had my belief system upended, my views on parenting completely shaken up, and found myself in a giant dark cavern many call “The Dark Night of the Soul.” I withdrew and delved deep into soul searching, finding peace in quiet stillness, finding solace in the separation from others. Emergence was like a butterfly breaking out of a chrysalis, only to find that I formed wings that were of uneven sizes. There was still the same world out there, the same selfishness, the same discord, negativity, and permeating it all there was and still is a blanket of fear.
Yet, despite the imbalance, I know that there will again come a time for more inner growth, and more development of the other wing, and the flight thereafter will be beautiful for me. In the meantime, I wanted to share some insight that I have found, and in particular with being subjected to objectivity. Realization is a hard force, it can knock the wind out of you with it’s punch, other times it is a soft wind that blows away the clouded impressions that you believed to be truths. For me, it was both at the same time, my entire view of myself was knocked completely out, and as I was gasping for breath, air came in, filled my lungs and left taking with it the dust of what was left behind.
When I was 10, my dad died, and my entire belief system about who I was and what I was changed dramatically because of a statement uttered in the throes of childish emotions: “I wish you were dead.” I didn’t mean it, but he died the same day nonetheless. From that moment on there was an ingrained belief that I was a walking curse. I had caused nothing but widespread pain and anguish and that all I deserved in life was to get that same thing back tenfold. Guys, I was 10, I didn’t know better, and because I wasn’t willing to talk about it, I never had someone who could step in and change that belief within me. That was when I started to hate myself. Throughout my life, I sought in vain for someone to prove to me that I was worthy of love, that I was not what I believed to be, and it attracted only those who would seek to firmly solidify that impression of myself. I went round and round the same cycle of false love, abuse, manipulation, narcissism, and bore children into the pattern, too young to realize the chain I was anchoring them with. I believed wholeheartedly that my salvation had to come from another, from the love of my family, from the love of a man, from the love of religion, but never considered the concept that I was the one who had to give myself the love that I needed to break the bonds I had placed upon myself.
Self-love is more than just pampering the skin and hair, more than just prioritizing yourself for a night, it is about being able to sit with yourself in the depths of despair and never for a moment think that the world would be better off without someone as amazing as you are. It is about being able to stand in the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror, fully naked, and think about the beauty in every curve, every scar, every extra pound, every wrinkle, every stretch mark. It is about waking up happy that you are who you are because who you are is amazing. For someone who has been subjected to hardships, abuse, trauma, and has inflicted all of those things upon the psyche of the self as well, finding that seems an insurmountable peak. I used to believe that I would be better off trying to climb Mount Everest with zero mountain climbing experience than trying to find true love for myself. Enter in realization!
Realization for me came in like a freight train, there were two things it left behind, action and reaction. Thus I realized that I had endured and inflicted upon others the subjective objectivity of who I was. I had given permission for the men in my life to abuse me because I believed it was what I deserved. I allowed myself to ignore who I was, what my dreams were, and what I was capable of because I believed myself to be a curse, a walking scourge upon the Earth. I never once sat down in silence because in silence there was only me, only a burning hatred, and a drive to end it all. I can’t tell you in so many words how I fully overcame my suicidal tendencies, but I know that much of it has to do with outside influence that wasn’t merely just giving me love but constantly and unendingly (and intensely frustratingly) pushing me to open my eyes, see who I truly am, and love myself.
Now I know the hurdle is not about loving myself, but about withdrawing the impression of who I am, and what I am worth from those I allowed to project onto me with their broken needs. I no longer allow the people from my past to tell me what kind of mother I am, what kind of wife I am, what kind of person I am. I do not allow for others to place the blame of their actions upon my shoulders, and carry their burdens for them. I present them instead with a steady mirror blocking and show them the fact that what they are doing and saying is wrong, that I will not hold for it, and then, as I have always and will always do, I give advice. I try to help others with finding the way to grow, to change, to be better people, to not hurt others. I talk about love a lot, like all the time, and it is always in the context of unconditional love. That has become my truth, my objective view on the world, that while I realize is still wrapped with my subjectivity, it is far better than other views.
My purpose in sharing this is twofold:
- My view on the world is a little on the radical side, but I wonder if you could see it through my eyes, what might change. What if people are actually inherently good? What if we are all connected unconsciously and when you hurt one you hurt everyone? What if you allowing others to hurt you actually reverberates all around you?
- What if you cared more, loved more, shared more of yourself, and opened yourself up more to others? What if instead of the constant deluge of negativity you started putting out only positivity and love? What would be the worst that could happen?
I truly believe that we all have a light within us that is begging for acknowledgement. We were put here to find that part of ourselves and use it to do good things, to be good people, and to show more love in the world. Many have called me naive, New Age Hippie, some have even labeled me as damned for that belief because I do not believe that the Divine does anything other than love and that only we are the ones capable of condemning ourselves and others. I believe in the joyful things in life, and that despite every trauma and hardship, every harmful action taken by me or by others, there is a lesson to learn and the only reaction from that is growth in love. It was torture for me to see the world how I do and see the fact that there are not many people out there like me, yet when I had all but given up and nearly jumped to the enemy camp of jaded disillusionment, there was kismet to the rescue once again, bringing me to the people who should have felt oppositional to me, but didn’t. So again I have a challenge for you when you read this, spend a day, a week, a month, in my shoes. See the inherent goodness and light and beauty in everything. Silence the negative thoughts, and think only of the blessings in your life. Look at a tree in the wind and see the majesty and beauty of the swirling of colors, the creaking of the branches as though together they are singing a song, sit in awe of the beauty and energy of the sun and think about the beauty of the mixture of light and water, shining the colors of the rainbow down after the most violent storms. See how you feel after you spend some time living in love and living for love. It just might bring more joy to the world, and definitely to yours. You have more power over your life and your happiness than you know, all you have to do is take that first step forward.