Life Lessons with Monica: Evidential Transformation

I struggled with writing this piece. I attempted to start it time and time again, while perpetually fighting my inner demons and the nightmares from my past that left me haunted. Truly, this fact is an irony in its greatest form. Why, you may wonder? Simply because I have come here today to talk about how I came to accepting the fact that I am a Medium, that I am a Psychic Empath, that I have Clairvoyant visions, and that I am Clairaudient and Clairsentient. Does this make me special? Not really, there are billions of people in the world, and each and every one of them are able to access some form of these gifts. Some may have more than others, I seem to have a surplus, ironically too it was one of my deepest desires. Stemmed from knowing that I had had experiences myself in my childhood, and again in my early twenties, that I was not able to fully explain.

Unfortunately, as it happens far too often, I spoke my truth before allowing the truth to fully sink in, before doing research, and before practicing and opening myself up to what it meant completely. Upon the first moment of me speaking this truth, I was faced with accusations of being crazy, threats against my role as a mother, and threats against my freedom. Why? Because I was visited by a spirit, asked to give a message, I trusted, and didn’t think about the ramifications of doing so, and I passed the message on. Spiritual gifts can be seen as a blessing and a curse, I have seen mine in both lights. I have seen, felt, suffered through the burden of silence within and without when denying the gifts within my soul. I have also seen, felt, and suffered through the condemnation of myself and others when attempting to share it. How truly heartbreaking it is to know from first-hand experience that when a person who is clairaudient begins to finally hear channeled messages coming through, they are thought to be crazy, schizophrenic, or dangerous. How truly heartbreaking it is to know that sometimes you share your gifts with the people you love the most, trust the most, and they in turn use it as a means to justify abuse.

I am not here to point fingers, nor to lay blame to the people who I interacted with during my first Spiritual Awakening and emergence of my spiritual gifts. They did not know better than the fear within their hearts. They did not know better than their own perception of limitations. This is not their fault, but rather the fault of the course that free will within humanity took long before their mothers, fathers, grandparents, and even great-grandparents walked this Earth. Each age on our planet has ushered in new thoughts, new ways of being, and new devils in human form. Free will is a gift and a curse. When used in the right manner, it has the power to set the self and others free. When used in a state of fear and discord with Spirit, it has the power to shackle generations to come to a fallacy of reality.

Today I am stepping out of the illusory way in which I once navigated my life. I no longer wish to deny the gifts bestowed upon me whether through generational blessings, soul blessings, or as I jokingly say to my husband, God “beep-booping” me and deciding that I am someone suitable to carry forth into the world these things. However they came to be a part of me does not matter, what does is the simple acceptance of them, and sharing this with others who may too be struggling under the weight of denial as I once was.

When I first discovered my gifts I was not in the right place in my life, nor was I surrounded by any means of true compassionate loving support. I was surrounded entirely by fear, deception, and violence. Hidden to the dark cloak of the night, these were things no one knew I was enduring. No one would believe it. I like to refer to my main support as the Devil in Disguise. A person who somehow knew who I was and what I was before I was consciously aware of it myself, and preyed upon the love and compassion I have always had for others. Using and abusing me. That was not his fault. He was a product of the home he was raised in. Traumatized in youth, silenced by bravado, and deeply blinded by his ego, he sought for control of others, regardless of the cost to himself and the ones he was hurting. This is something I have wrestled to understand the truth of, and wrestled with the pain of in order to find the freedom of forgiveness for him. This forgiveness I sent out into the cosmos was done for the sake of setting myself free of the chains and weights he had placed upon me with his actions, and the chains and weights I placed upon myself through my allowance of such things, my reactionary mistakes, and my willingness to believe all the negative thoughts and emotions that he had for me as my truth. Discovering that he truly is just struggling like the rest of us, and that he too had deep hidden wounds that he seemingly is unwilling to work through and overcome, alleviated my heart and soul from the burden of his lies. When that realization hit, I went through, and am still going through, one of the longest, most arduously difficult, spiritual awakenings of my life.

Coming back to Spirit time and time again, struggling against the truth of myself versus the things my upbringing taught me, and against the trauma of abuse stemming from me speaking my truth the first time around, has caused a cycle of events in life that are for me to continually overcome now. Something that was never meant to be set into motion, by privy of free-will and my own actions and choices, has now become something I have had to work to break free of. For the last eight months I have been cultivating my relationship with Spirit. I have been cultivating my relationship with myself. I have been working to heal the emotional and mental traumas of my past which in turn has been healing my physical health to a miraculous result. All these things gave way to me coming into my truth about my surplus of spiritual gifts. I had at one point opened myself up again, with a bravado and naivety I shouldn’t have done, and said in the darkness of the night, “Alright God, if I am so special, if I am right about myself, then bring it on. I open myself up to all my gifts. Give me all you got.”

Do not do this if you have any fear within your heart and soul. Please, do it slower, ask to be led, ask to be shown, ask to be helped. It was a mistake of mine that lasted maybe fifteen minutes if that, before the orbs of light, the hazy figure pacing at the end of my bed, the ringing in my ears, and the voices calling my name whenever I would be about to fall asleep kicked my fear into hyperdrive and I said it was too much and locked it all down again. I try not to give advice that I do not put into action in my own life. I do not want to walk the path of being hypocritical in any way, shape, or form. This is solid advice, please look within if you feel that niggling notion that there is more to you than meets the eye. Breaking yourself open is a beautiful process, but it is also painful, it fast tracks you into having to learn about yourself and the things that you likely have unconsciously or even consciously decided to take to your grave. Sometimes, a gift is opened up within you in a small way, very innocuous, and yet it is something you can find no doubt about within yourself. For me, that was not the case. I warred within and without day in and out. I battled with accepting the things that people would tell me about myself: that I have a light within that brings light to other people, that I am a blessing to others, that I have a gift, that I am an Earth Angel, that I am spot on in telling someone what they need to hear and know in any given situation. Chalked up to heightened intuition and being an Empath, I knew there was more to me, but I was too frightened of the repercussions of being open to it and about it.

In mid February I went to see a local Reiki Master. I had already finished my Level one and Level two certification, but I had a tarot read that essentially told me that sometimes the healer needs to be healed and I was consumed by the need to see a healer. I understand why now, as I was starting to open myself back up to my gifts but sensing a spiritual block in place, not knowing how to develop my intuition enough to find it myself, and understanding that I was supposed to see this healer. Stars aligned and as unlikely as getting an appointment was, I was squeezed in on a weekend. What happened in that room is for her, me, and Spirit. What happened when I left that room though, that is what I am here to tell you about the most. After leaving my appointment I began channeling messages from my loved ones who had passed on. I called up family members that I was meant to give messages of love and solace to not knowing that it was when they needed to hear these words the most. I called a friend to tell her about her departed loved one, sharing things that I could not have known as I had never met him. I was reeling from the experience. Trying to wrap my head around it all, I had been given the suggestion to reach out to my local evidentiary medium, Michael Christopher.

What did I do? Googled him of course. This is the 21st century after all. I came across his website, and read about his journey to discovering he was a medium. I reached out on facebook and began having interactions on his group page, and then there was the afternoon I discovered I had no choice but to talk to him about everything. I had read on his about page, the story of his sister, murdered, who visited him in his kitchen after she passed away. The manner of her death was not included in the description. Yet I was seeing him in a kitchen I didn’t recognize, with her head on his shoulders, and having flashbacks to a vivid nightmare I had had when I was in high school about me being murdered. I resolved to message him when the visions were bombarding me, and you know what? They stopped. So I decided that maybe I didn’t need to take this leap of faith. I had some confirmation already of what was going on with me, why would I need to do something that could prove to be wrong?

One thing that I can say about his sister, is she is a blessing to help others, she was determined, whether because she recognized the need I had within to be provided my first true psychic hit, or whether she was sent to me with a mission in order to get me to truly accept myself and this gift opening up so as not to create yet another blockage of it, that I don’t know, nor do I need to know. I know that I am forever grateful for her visiting me, and that I am grateful for the leap of faith I took. I reached out to Michael Christopher, feeling like a completely crazy person, but needing answers. For his own reasons, he decided to talk to me, and during the conversation, my anxiety was so amplified I could barely slow down and barely shut up. Poor guy. He handled it like a champ and told me exactly what I already knew I needed to do which was to slow down and breathe easier. He also confirmed that the manner in which his sister was murdered was the vision that I was seeing in my head on repeat. The vision stopped after that, and I have been in a sort of state of shock since. Unable to wrap my head around the truth. Unable to come to grips with the betrayal from my past. It was like my entire journey of healing had come to a complete standstill and I had to go back and reheal old wounds all over again.

I am still healing, but this week has been a breakthrough for me on that aspect, and it was finally time for me to stand in who I am, knowing that I am in no way ready for what this means, knowing that I am working on courses to teach me, working on my devotion to my journey and to my purpose in life, though I still don’t know the full extent of it yet, but for now that is okay with me because I have my work cut out for me right now and that is what I am focusing on. No matter where I have been, what I have been through, nor what fears I may harbor within that I am working to overcome, I know that I have help and when I cannot seem to find the help from myself or Spirit, I will be brought to someone who can help me to unravel what is going on within me. Being provided concrete evidence of my transformation is something I don’t truly know is a common occurrence, but it was a moment in which my life changed irrevocably. Knowing there was no going back from what I had set out to do for myself, and knowing that life would forever be different for me, that there would be people that would fall out of my life, that there would be those who have negative opinions about me, all of it, no longer matters to me, because the people that truly love me weren’t even the slightest bit surprised about all of this, and because I finally feel like I am no longer living the life of a lie.

We are all unique individuals. We all are on our own journeys in life. We all struggle and seek solace in one place or another. I am not here to tell you that you have to believe what I believe. I am simply here to share my story.

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