Life Lessons with Monica: Our Forgotten Selves
Everything is always in a constant state of flux, movement on subatomic levels, movement in realms beyond the physical comprehension of our own two eyes. Senses we once had in multitude are long forgotten due to the forgotten two halves making us all one whole individual. This loss, this forgetting, much like the curse in Harry Potter that would spell the end of the career of Professor Lockhart, or the Cauldron of Forgetting from Karen Marie Moning’s Fever series, we’ve been living our lives as though cursed.
We are all whole individuals, whole souls, and yet in a sense of romanticization and balance, we’ve sought to create an illusion dating back to biblical times, one in which inevitably led us here. The illusion is that of a split soul residing in two bodies, one masculine and one feminine. It is truly a beautiful, romantic notion. One in which I myself have fallen victim to, yet when it seemed that the stress and possibility of being wrong occurred, there was a deep refusal within me that caused a massive revolt.
That damnable separation notion nearly consumed me, twisting my perception, and stripping bare my sense of self-worth. Why my sense of self-worth? Simple. I love my husband. I’ve done all my research, from astrology to remembering past lives together, to an ever-present, pervasive sense of destiny bringing the two of us together. Everything fit perfectly within the Twin Flame concept. Save one: Separation. Sure I could find plenty of means of explaining it from we met without remembering, there were a few months of vacillation before entering into a relationship together, our paths have energetically crossed a multitude of times, blah, blah, blah. All of them simply the human mind attempting to title, label, define something to fit within the common conception of beliefs about Twin Flames.
This was followed by my sojourn down the anxiety and doubt ridden suffering of the False Twin Flame union concept, which I will not explain, nor provide any referrals to here for I do not care to inflict upon another that destruction. The doubt journey certainly served a purpose for my life, but that is the way of all Tower moments that send you crumbling to below rock bottom. It made me laser-focus evaluate every aspect of my relationship, and in return, myself. Was I simply deluding myself? Was I being blinded because I have a too long history of loving deeply those who hurt, abuse, manipulate, and drain me of all that I am because of my being an empath? All those questions came to the same conclusion: I lacked a true sense of my self-worth and ability to be loved as I love others.
When things recently got a bit bumpy again, when I was once more allowing the outside world and in particular the spiritual/divinatory community collective energy to have final say over my own inner knowing, the Universe, or rather Spirit/God/Goddess/etc. whatever your preference (I am nondenominational, and choose to forge my own personal relationship with our Creator) stepped in quite firmly with a message. It was meant both to be an encouragement, but also a test. To share with the world wisdom that sets me in direct opposition of the bulk of society, spiritual community, and even those who have made it their life’s work and challenge that which is the common concept of Twin Flames, or to hold the message to myself.
Herein lied another test. A wolf in lion’s clothing, for neither option felt quite safe to me, and to be completely vulnerable with you all, I have a deep abiding need for a sense of safety in my life, coupled with a debilitating fear of being wrong about anything and everything (there is that self-worth issue once more rearing its ugly head). After spending too many years of my life being consumed by fear, abuse, trauma, and living in a constant state of fight or flight, I truly have worked hard to break myself out of the victim mentality I spent my life with. It is not easy, something so deeply ingrained, and having been reinforced through the abuses from others, and the allowances I made through staying small and quiet, I did not allow myself to believe the whispering of my Guides, nor my soul, nor Spirit. This one test feels to me like the truest test of my healing journey to date.
Initially, I planned to go full-force at this, film a YouTube video on my ever so minimal, obscure YouTube pick-a-card channel and let it be. If the Universe really wanted the message out there, if Spirit really wanted the message to be heard, then the video would be a hit and I wouldn’t have to worry about it. If it didn’t fly, then it must mean that the message wasn’t meant to be released and I could rest easy knowing that it simply was a trial and error situation. No, that was not to be the case. For if I am going to release a directly channeled message from the Creator himself – which let me give you a small inkling of what it feels like, you don’t remember what you wrote, you feel rushed and feverish, and there is a sense of vastness within and without you that when it is all said and done makes you, in your human body, in your human mind, in the 3D world and mindset feel very very humbled and small, at least that is what it feels like for me – it needed to be done in a way that I was showing just how much I trust in my gifts, as well as the messages that I am meant to share. Downloads don’t happen on a subject meant for many to one person for them to hoard it. To do so would make me no better than any tyrant or fear-monger that has lived before me, and damn it, I am determined to learn from the history of the world, of religion, of my soul, and of my ancestors and live my life differently. Break all the chains, bonds, patterns, and cycles and step out into the world showing that there is another way to do things, that we are all gifted, we are all able to hear, and that trust in the Divine means trust in ourselves. YouTube release would have been ever so much easier for me than this way.