Reflecting upon my Year 33
June 30 of 2020, amidst the pandemic, my life was significantly different. The pandemic impacted me in a different way. I was accustomed to, at that point, being at home and out of the public eye for much of my time. Having been diagnosed in 2018 with Common Variable Immune Deficiency with a side helping of Specific Antibody Deficiency, essentially I had no immune system to speak of. What little I did have at the time was defunct and lazy, so to speak. When I would get the sniffles it would kick off a tumble down effect of illnesses hitting within 48-72 hours if I did not receive antibiotic treatment. It was what was familiar to me, what I had known since 2016, and what I had recently learned was one of the colorful, false accusations my ex-husband “George” had used against me in a petition for a change of custody with the legal system.
As though watching my deepest fear become a reality, George was making good on one of the many threats he had a habit of making against me, “If you step out of line, I will take the kids from you, and the courts won’t side with you because you are a fat, lazy, sick, and worthless person.” It was his favorite argument to use against me when he would hit me, manipulate me into having sex, and keep me silent. He would take my kids from me. What I heard was I would lose the most important people in my life because of something I had zero control over, my health.
With all of the drama and pain of a court battle ramping up, knowing we were a week away from sitting in a court room and fighting to keep my children at home with me, in Minot, where they were born, where their life had always been, and where they were terrified they would be forcefully removed from by their father, David was trying his best to cheer me up. He knew I hated my birthday, and he suggested that I write a list of goals to accomplish in the next year. 10 things to accomplish in my Year 33. I made the list a little longer, but I made it with a purpose. On that list included a myriad of crocheting projects I wanted to complete within the year, only one of which I actually completed, the fall-tones blanket that I had been working on sporadically for months. I also planned to watch Supernatural all the way from start to finish (that didn’t get completed, and I may be starting to agree a bit with David, that it may never happen with how little I tend to watch television anymore).
The big three goals, the ones labeled “most challenging”:
- Overcome my anxiety and stress reactions to George
- Overcome my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from my childhood and from my marriage to George,
- Write a book.
These were my Everest Mountains. The greatest peaks I would ever attempt to scale, and what I believed to be impossible.
I am quickly approaching the year mark after sitting down and writing that list out, and as I reflect back upon my year 33, I am in awe of just what I have accomplished, healed, transmuted, transformed, and checked off from my goal list. This was the year of seeing and making the impossible into the possible. Transmuting pain and anguish into joy and happiness. Transforming self-doubt and self-loathing into self-love, deeper than the ocean’s abyss.
I am going to keep this blog post shorter than my average, for the stories of my life from 2020 is something that would take many pages to encompass, and something that will be brought to the world soon, for it is my next project, but here is the point of all of this:
When I made that list I was still in a sleep-state about my spiritual path in life. I was repressing my spiritual gifts, ignoring my calling in life, and consumed with negativity, spawned both from inside myself as well as through the words and actions of another. I would withdraw and turn mousy when my boundaries were disrespected, apologizing for having boundaries. I would beat myself up when I would fall ill, and apologize continually while pushing my body to the literal breaking point time and again to be sure the hateful words spewed from George’s mouth were proven wrong, only to land myself in bed with a high fever and in excruciating pain, cursing myself and saying the worst internal mantra that never should have happened: “George must have been right about me.” Ugh! The amount of my power I was giving away to that man never ceases to nauseate me when I think about it. This is one of those moments in which I must strongly encourage you, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, honey, get yourself out. Do not allow another person to take from you what is not theirs. Your power belongs to you, no one else. Take it back, stand in it, and scream to the heavens that you release all claim given to another person.
Sitting here now I want you to know that you have the ability to make the impossible your every day life. If I can do it, so can you. All you have to do is take the leap, try something new, have faith in yourself, have faith in the Universe, and listen to the calling of your intuition. We are all here with potential; untapped, unfathomable potential contained within our minds, bodies, and souls. Tap into it.
In one year I not only wrote a book, I wrote, edited, and published two books. I started this blog and built it from nothing to what it is now, knowing that it is on a trajectory for far greater. I began a podcast where I found a new passion within my heart for sitting down and talking to you all; finding that sharing my voice in both written word as well as through my voice is freedom in and of itself. I finished the blanket I set out to complete. I awakened to my true self, strengthened by the love and support of the Universe, my spirit guides, and God himself, to begin walking my true path in life. I quit drinking, started taking care of my mind and body, and through that, I fed and watered my desperately starved soul. I overcame any and all fear when it came to George and have, for the first time since meeting him in 2007, stood up for myself and told him all the injustices he served me with, no longer willing to sit back and just let him throw these things at me anymore. I healed karmic situations, generational and ancestral alike. I became a Reiki Master, Tarot reader, and embraced my psychic and empathic abilities. I met complete strangers and befriended them, cutting toxic people out of my life. I stood in the light of my truth and refused to back down, refused to show fear, refused to be anyone other than my true and authentic self. I grew mentally, physically, and emotionally strong, and found true love for myself.
All these things I did over the course of one year. From one birthdate to another. It was not an easy road. It was filled to the brim with pain, questioning, confusion, and emotions. Despite the hardship of the journey, it is one that I would not change. I would not go back to my sleeping state. I healed my body, no longer getting sick, lost 50+ pounds in a year, healed my mental health, and found my calling in life. All these things you have the ability to do.
My challenge for you: Make a goal list. What do you want in your life? How much do you truly want these things, and why? Now, live your life. You know what the goals are, but you must remember to live your life. When you live everyday presently, no longer focused upon the past or the future, it is in those moments that miracles occur. This is part of manifesting, working with the Universe and the Law of Attraction to bring those goals into fruition. Allow yourself to be open to the leading of the Universe around you. You will be amazed at the way you and your life can change in only 365 days.