Life Lessons with Monica: Discovering Your Emotions
I have talked a lot about being an Empath, the struggle of separating my emotions from others, and changing my views on it being a curse to seeing it as a gift, quite often in my life. Something I haven’t talked about is what it looks and feels like when you get to a point in your spiritual journey called The Void. At one point, I felt as though the void was absolute torture. It is a time that comes, at least for me, after making out of the Dark Night of the Soul. Everyone sees the pieces and parts, the steps and journey of Spiritual Awakening in their own way based upon their experiences and the research they have done throughout it. This means that no everyone is going to have a journey that aligns with yours, in fact, no one will. Sure, we can all empathize with each other, sharing our experiences and lessons, but those are ours, and yours may be different. I tell you all of this to remind you to touch deeply into yourself, into your intuition, into your heart when you are learning about your own Spiritual Awakening. What lessons I share with you all, those are the ones that I have learned along my journey, and even some of my earlier lessons have changed throughout the time I have spent walking my path.
Today it felt important to me to share another lesson, one that has arguably been a harder one for me to not only learn but also integrate into my day to day way of living. For most of my life, I have felt emotions and had thoughts that at times I could not understand within myself because I could not find a source or a cause. This led me to believe there was something wrong with me, something broken inside of me. I also found myself time and again in relationships, whether familial, romantic, or friends, that served only to fuel this belief within me. When I went through my Spiritual Awakening, many people I believed would be in my life forever seemingly disappeared. They fell away from me, or me away from them. In the beginning of that time, I truly felt isolated, lonely, and so alone. I believed I was being punished for things I know now were never my fault to begin with, or things that I had done that I believed weren’t worthy of forgiveness. My life, to be completely honest, felt like a grand cosmic, karmic joke, and I was not the one left laughing.
You may be wondering at this point, “Why would I want to ‘get into’ spirituality, or go through a spiritual awakening if I am just going to feel alone and like the world is out to get me?” I get it, I have had those moments too. You get to the point of “no-return” and no one can tell when that point is going to occur for them, or if there really is such a thing or when we wake up one morning and realize there is more in the world than what we used to believe there to be, BOOM! no going back from there. I believe that is meant to be one of those unsolvable mysteries. Take comfort in whichever way you choose to view it, for that is the view you are meant to hold in this life you are living. Despite the fact that I have had moments of pain and weakness fueled by fear and anxiety in which I have stated, “I wish I had never opened myself up to spirituality,” I know that it was always a part of my destiny in this life. As hard as the journey can be from time to time, the benefits, the joy, and the gifts it has brought into my life have far outweighed what I believed I had lost. For when you are on this path, there never truly is a loss, the things that weren’t meant for you, the people that weren’t healthy for you, they may fall away, but you are brought to or things and people are brought to you that are EXACTLY who and what you truly need in your life. Do not ever allow fear of change and the unknown to hold you back. If you feel that calling within yourself, listen and follow it, it will change your life for the absolute best.
Back to the point at hand here, discovering your emotions. As I said in my opening, I am an Empath, not just clairsentient, but an empath. I not only feel other’s emotions, I absorb them. I can take from others their physical illnesses, emotional turmoil, and take it on for them. It is an incredibly unhealthy way of living life, and one in which it took years for me to truly discover that is what I was doing. The more I separated myself from people no longer meant to be in my life, the more energetic cords I cut from me, the better my mental and physical health became. Of course there were many different aspects to that healing that occurred, but this was one major factor in it. The biggest issue I found was after I came out of the Dark Night of the Soul. I was finally on the other side of pain, anxiety, trauma, and the urges that I couldn’t continue moving forward in my life and all I wanted was a release of my soul from the struggles I was going through. That is not to say I was suicidal, no, I did not want to kill myself, I wanted to be free. I wanted a release on a soul level from the things that I intuitively knew that I had signed myself up for (soul contracts are a topic for another time though). Directly after the Dark Night of the Soul I was in the Void space. Absolutely uncomfortable, I felt utterly blinded and without direction, purpose, and meaning.
The Void space (and I’ll give a disclaimer here, this is my personal interpretation based upon personal experience coupled with outside resources that helped to build this picture for me) is literally a space of nothingness. It is the place that you are put into when you are in a healing phase. There is nothing more that you need to be doing, nothing you need to be pursuing. It is the place you are meant to be in to allow yourself to feel. What are you feeling? Nothing and everything all at once. But the nothing applies to what is coming from outside yourself. The everything is YOU. This is the place where there is Divine Intervention coupled with Divine Protection. It is a safe haven for Empaths and sensitives. No spirits can get through, no outside emotions or impressions can impact you, you just are. It is like being in stasis. Suspended between one phase of the Spiritual and Healing Journey and the next. Smack dab in that in-between space, this is where you learn yourself. Take your time. But know that if you are in it for the first time and panicking because you don’t know what you are feeling, this is perfectly “normal” (though I don’t like using normal terminology, it is the most relatable word I can find).
When I first entered the Void, I felt as though all of a sudden my emotions were completely turned off. I felt drained and devoid of all the things I had found passion doing, I felt no outside influences, I felt no connections. I had spent 33 years of my life, at that point, not realizing that most of what I experienced was intricately intertwined with other people, and that the definitions I had placed upon certain aspects of my mental and emotional bodies were ones that had absolutely NOTHING to do with who I am and how I feel. I panicked. I truly freaked out. I would sit on my bed after putting the younger kids down to bed for the night and do card pull after card pull, searching for some explanation for what was going on within me. It wasn’t until I left my house this morning, going for a small walk, that everything began to fall into place for me to finally understand. I am exiting the Void now, reflecting back on that time, and receiving the clarity I so desperately sought out when I was in it without realizing that the answers would always come from within when I was ready to actually hear them.
The emotion I was feeling in the Void was PEACE. I had never before experienced a sense of peace. I had pretended to, even at times picking it up from other people, and when they were no longer interacting with me, I would feel a deep loss, as though they had taken something from me. In reality they took their peace with them, and those moments were glimpses into what it felt like, so that when I would get there, I would recognize it. Well, I am a stubborn person by nature, so I didn’t believe that was what was going on. I still cared, still loved the people in my life, the things that mattered to me, I simply believed they were being taken from me. What was being taken from me was all the toxicity I had been carrying and transmuting for others. What I was gifted, a true sense of who I am. An understanding of my own emotions. Boy, oh boy, I tell you what, when you realize that you really are optimistic, happy, positive, and worthy because all you are able to feel is yourself, and you are able to see yourself in a way that you NEVER would have been capable of without being in that space, it is the deepest peace I have experienced.
Coming out of that, my life looks different, the world looks different, but I know that neither of these things are different. What is different, is me. I have changed, I have become more myself, more of who I am within, more aligned with the soul I carry, and so I see everything as differently as I am seeing myself. What incredible growth. It can be frightening, not knowing what your own emotions are because you have too long been allowing (yes, even subconsciously) your feelings to be dictated by the energy around you. When you ask for a release from the fear and the burdens, and you trust that you are being heard, because I promise you that you are, you begin to feel who you truly are.
It feels important for me to tell you all that this process is not all mystical and magical with sprinkles, sparkles, and unicorns. No, when you embark on this journey you have to know that you are committing yourself to seeing more, seeing things you may have been told are one thing and you will learn they are nothing like what you have learned, you will see the darker parts of yourself and others, and you will see the reality of the way you have been allowing yourself to believe less than what you are for too many years, regardless of the age in which your journey begins. Do not allow anyone’s messages, and yes this includes my own, to determine what you are doing for yourself. Only you will know what the right thing, the right path, the right way of healing truly is for your path. I am here to help you on your journey simply through sharing my journey with you. At the end of the day, your healing is in your own hands, your understanding of things in your world and our world as a whole is up to you to sort out. Everything you feel you need from someone else in your life, those are things that you are able to find within yourself. When you come to that discovery, then you will find the outer world responding in turn to the growth you have made. Nothing is ever a mistake, nothing is ever in vain, and everything is meant for your soul’s growth.