Life Lessons with Monica: Closing Chapters
As an author, I tend toward perfectionism. I used to explain it away by saying, “I’m a Type A Personality,” when in actuality, the reasoning goes a little deeper. In coming to the realization of there being two main reasons for my perfectionist tendencies, I also set out to allow myself to make mistakes, to be wrong, to learn, to grow, to adapt, to develop, at my own pace and in my own timing. If you find yourself with the issue of perfectionism, whether as an author, a content creator, a student, or any other aspect of life, perhaps you will find a means of closing that chapter of your life so you may live more freely as your true self.
Two Reasons for Perfectionism:
Yes, I said it, and I meant it. Sometimes we tend toward a sense of needing things to be perfect because we are unable to fully believe in the quality of the work we do, the person we are, and the dreams we have for ourselves. In those moments, we will self-sabotage, hold ourselves back in life, hold ourselves separate from the world, and justify our actions with, “It isn’t ready,” or “I am not ready.”
Self-sabotage isn’t always black and white, dramatic, sometimes it is very subtle. It shows up when we have a great work , fully completed and we tell ourselves, “This isn’t good enough.” What you are really saying and enforcing and reinforcing every time you do this is the belief that you are not good enough. When I published my first book, there were typos, misaligned printing and pages were off kilter from the conversion process. 13 of those books are in the hands of my family and friends. 13 completely imperfect copies of my first book, my life, my starting point of stepping into my life purpose, closing the chapter on the old me. And you know what? They are all patiently waiting for the day to post those suckers on e-bay, convinced I will be rich and famous and those books will make them thousands of dollars.
What isn’t ready?
Why am I not ready?
What indicators do I have that imply in my outside world that now is not the time?
Why do I hold myself back?
What am I afraid of?
2. Conditioned Fear
I call this reason conditioned fear because when you were a child, think back, think back to that one moment in which you believed in the infinite nature of the world, of possibilities, of dreams, of magic, and of yourself. For me, I was five years old, living in Derry, New Hampshire. We lived on a cul-de-sac on a hill that we called “Killer Hill.” I had never ridden a two wheeled bicycle. I had never ridden a bicycle with training wheels. I was strictly a tricycle girl, even though I had long outgrown my tricycle. I still could use it as a scooter!
One of the girls up the street had just gotten a new bicycle for her birthday, and SHE GAVE ME HER OLD ONE! The only problem was, I didn’t know how to ride it. Not a problem for a girl with two older brothers, living on Killer Hill. My oldest brother told me to sit on it and that he would hold the seat, just like our dad did for him. He failed to mention that he was going to wait until I was on the bike and then simply let go as I was on the decline and gravity has it’s way.
I was screaming my head off, flying down the hill (did I mention I was barefoot on top of this, in the early 1990s, and the pedal was not smooth). I was so afraid, for a moment, just a moment. Adrenaline coursed through my body, and suddenly I knew what I was doing. I was infinite in that moment. I was one with the bicycle, with the road beneath my wheels, and with the wind whipping past me. Getting to the bottom, I didn’t know how to break so I fearlessly and gracefully leaped off my bike, ditching it and landing barefoot in the grass. I was a superhero! I was amazing! I could fly! I could RIDE A BIKE!
And then my brothers raced to me.
“Did you see me? Did you see that? I rode my bike! I did it all by myself!”
But there was fear and worry on my brothers’ faces as they insisted and urged me, “Don’t tell mom and dad! Don’t tell anyone!”
Suddenly that moment morphed from a beautiful, magical accomplishment, to me feeling wrong, and being afraid that i would get in trouble for doing it. Of course, we joke about that memory now. I often like to say, “Remember that time you put me on a bike and tried to kill me on Killer Hill? That was fun,” and we all laugh as my brothers go on the defensive about trying to teach me, and them not actually trying to kill me, and “Oh, you’re being overdramatic,” or “You don’t remember what really happened, you were too young.”
Do you see the patterning of conditioned fear yet?
Our memories are within the context of our own experiences. When we share them with others, those involved, those who have their own experiences of these moments, it is then that the two collide and without a strong foundational understanding of perceptions, we lose sight of our personal truth and give way to conditioned responses, based in fear.
As an author, I can remember when I was in college and I believed I wrote the most insightful paper about the nature of the Good and Evil Philosophy and Mythological themes in the Harry Potter book series. I was thoroughly convinced my professor was going to praise me, tell me how deep and thoughtful and insightful I was. I believed that my writing transcended all things, because it was how I felt, what I experienced when writing the paper, and doing the research for it.
I got a C.
Suddenly, I was a “bad writer,” and my experience changed into something that created fear of failing as an author. And it was a lifelong dream.
We live in a social world. We are social creatures, and because of this we have a tendency to want to share with each other. Share revelations, insights, memories, lessons, hardships, good times, laughter, and love. We want to share.
What am I afraid of?
What is the memory tied to ths fear?
What is my personal experience from this memory?
Where did the fear start?
What is my truth?
How Do You Close the Chapter?
Chemistry with Kismet wasn’t necessarily ready for the world, but I was ready to release it. I was ready. I couldn’t hold on to it any longer or it would have become the thing I never allowed myself to do. I would have continued finding one excuse or another. I want to get an agent first. I want to go through a big publisher first. I need to edit it again. It isn’t ready.
Yet, in the middle of the WORST astrological placements (Mercury in Renegade, smack dab in the middle of the spring eclipse seasons) suddenly, I woke up one morning and just knew. That was the day this book was going to be published, I was going to do it I was going to leap into the unknown, self-publish my journey through traumas, through abuse, through suicide, and through a traumatic kundalini awakening. I just knew this was when I needed to do it. Fully driven forward by my intuition, I went through the entire process. Cover design, uploading, failed upload, try again, another failed upload, over and over and over again. I could have fallen into my old pattern of self-sabotage.
Telling myself, if it was meant to be, it would be easier than this. It wouldn’t keep glitching. It would flow. There wouldn’t be so much resistance. Yet, I still knew that it was the right thing to do and the right time to do it. That is what happens when you feel Divine Timing. You just KNOW.
Am I holding myself back?
DOES IT FEEL RIGHT?
What is my next step to leaping forward?
Do it. Don’t hold back. Don’t hesitate. If everything inside of you is telling you that now is the time, no matter how uncomfortable you feel, just do it. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. If you have to baby step your way there, like a new born deer learning to walk for the first time, just don’t hold yourself back. There are beautiful, amazing changes waiting just around the corner, and the Universe, our Divine Creator, is infinitely patient. So say, “Please, be patient with me as I feel my way through this new journey. Walk beside me. Lead me. Guide me. Teach me. Lend me your love. Help me to see my own strength.” Then do the damn thing and watch miracles happen.
2. Ask For Help
Remember a little back in this article when I mentioned being social beings. We crave genuine connection, especially on the spiritual path. Yet, we can find ourselves holding back when we need help, when we are lost, and when we aren’t able to fully hear. Some will explain it away by “The Void Space” and truly, if our Divine Creator has placed you in the void for a while, it is a good sign. There won’t be an answer outside yourself, and this is where you harness your inner power and ask your heart to guide you and lead you. If you aren’t in that space, then you are being called to learn about humbling yourself, shedding the thoughts of I have to do this alone, No one understands me, The Universe doesn’t care about me, No one is listening.
I have been there.
I have thought those things.
I have sat down and cried because I couldn’t feel or hear Spirit, I couldn’t hear the calling of my own heart, and I didn’t know where to turn. I got desperate, lonely, and broke down until I started self-destructing my life. It was only then that I realized what I needed to do was actually deconstruct the thoughts and notions I was holding onto and adopt a new truth, become the proverbial Hanged Man, pause, and shift my perspective, allowing for less limitations, and more open receptivity.
Why am I afraid to seek help?
What help do I feel as though I am looking for?
What tools do I hold within to work on accepting help so I feel more open to asking for it?
Do I feel as though no one understands me because I do not yet understand myself?
What does my inner guidance system sound like to me?
Two reasons, two steps. Think of it like Noah and the animals on the ark, loading up two by two. Simplify, shed, purge, learn, and then get on the boat and move forward into the bright dawning future you know is meant for you. I am talking with and planning on collaborating with another spiritual podcaster in the future, and the one major word that I channeled from his guides for him is once more coming to the forefront of my mind: DECLUTTER.
If you need to begin with your home, your work space, whatever it is, when you begin the decluttering process, you come to the answers to the questions above within because as you declutter outside of yourself, so too are you decluttering your inner world. There is never a wrong time to step forward into your power and close the chapters of the past you that are ready to be closed.
Remember always, I see you, I believe in you, and I am there with you helping shine a light in the darknesses. Together we can do anything.
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